We can be real together
by olga.travchuk
Summary: Can Athena and her kids replace Bobby's deceased family in his heart? Is it replaceable? The story takes place in ep. 2x6 after the moment when Athena took Bobby off the roof.


**A/N: I don't own anything besides my mistakes. Not native speaker and no beta, so lousy language. I'm not a writer and I have no ambitions to be the one, so all I write is for my own enjoinment. When I watched ep.2x6 I felt a little bit bad, when I saw that Bobby still wants to leave the Earth and re-unite with his family on Heaven. He has Athena now and still it feels like nothing can really hold him on to this life. I thought I'd be a bit hurt by that fact, if I was Athena. Athena is definitely NOT me. So all I made up might be out of her character and mature approach. Maybe it's slightly AU in terms of her character. But I just wanted to explore that area. To put my own ideas into her head and mouth. Maybe she would never act like that – I don't insist whatsoever. I just missed these scenes in the episode and so I wrote them. **

**Thank you everybody, who left nice reviews on my other stories, it means a world to me!**

"_Bobby. Bobby, it's me. Just take one step back, turn around, and we can talk. Hey."_

"_Hey. They get it wrong, about saving lives. The ones that we save are the ones we lose. That's why we save them up here, like photographs. But this, I've never this is new. She's so bright and alive. Can you see her?" _

"_No. It's not real. You know that."_

"_No, my daughter Brook, she's… she's floating in the sky, behind your head. I know it sounds crazy. I just want to float away with her wherever she goes, with so much color."_

"_It's not real. But maybe, just maybe, it can be enough. Enough for you to say good-bye. Enough for you to hear her say it's okay. Enough so that in the morning, when your head is right and your eyes are clear, you can remember that you caught a glimpse of what's around us every day."_

"_She's right there. Right here, right now."_

"_You're real, I'm real. We can be real together."_

Bobby took her hand that she offered him and got into her hugs. Athena sighed in relief, finally he was out of danger, he wasn't at the edge of the roof anymore, he was safe – that was the most important thing for her.

Bobby found himself in Athena's arms and suddenly his mind became to clear. He wasn't seeing Brook anymore. He felt safe and comfortable feeling the warmth of Athena's body. She helped him to get down from the roof and drove him to his condo.

When they entered his condo Bobby still was out of his normal self. His emotions and visions changed very fast: one moment he saw Athena as some sprite, who lead him to magic jungles, he saw some fantastic creatures he'd never seen before, weird butterflies, birds that seemed to be from another planet. Another moment he saw Marcy, who was mad at him and at Athena, and tried to attack her. Bobby screamed to warn Athena, tried to talk to Marcy to leave Athena alone, explain her that Athena has nothing to do with the fire, which he caused... The next moment he was again in paradise-looking fields with the green grass and seen his kids playing and running after one another…

Athena felt exhausted, observing all the craziness of hallucinating Bobby, but she knew, that she has to just endure and wait, until she can make him lie in his bed and sleep.

She succeeded after 3 more hours of watching him acting and talking weird and controlling him to not go out anywhere. Finally his body gave up and she was able to convince him that he better lie down. He refused to undress and lied down in his uniform, but she didn't care – at least, he couldn't harm himself or get into danger anymore.

She didn't notice when she fell asleep herself. She woke up because of the sounds. Bobby was crying in his sleep and blaming himself. Seemed like his dream was about standing in front of God and answering for all the harm, which he caused to all 148 people in the house. He was tossing and sobbing and it was impossible to see his torture, so Athena decided to wake him up, hoping that he won't want to get up and go somewhere. She shook his shoulder saying "Bobby, wake up! Wake up, dear, you're having a bad dream, wake up!". Bobby didn't react and she had to shake him really hard until he started to open his eyes.

She looked at the clock; they had slept for 4 hours... The effect of LSD should be gone more or less at that phase…

Bobby tried to realize where he is as he got up and set on the bed watching around him, reminding all the events of the previous day. He saw Athena huddle on the edge of the bed, means she had to stay here with him all that time and had no enough place to sleep, because he took most of the space for himself. He immediately started to feel bad for her. She shouldn't babysit him he thought.

"Athena? Wh..what happened yesterday? Do you know?" – He asked with a sleepy husky voice. – "I'm trying to remember, but all I can think of is just that I started daydreaming all of a sudden, seeing Brook like she was alive and…" - he shook his head, trying to divide reality from visions and dreams.

"Yeah, you ate brownies filling with some hallucinogen... I guess LSD, because symptoms, which you have, are fit to LSD… And so you got high, started to see visions… Got to the top of the roof, stood on the edge of it... I almost died from fear that you'd jump down or make a step forward, thinking you are going to meet Brook and put your feet on the emptiness… "

She looked exhausted; her face features were tired and sleepy. Bobby realized that she was beside him all this time. He reminded her telling him something about Brook not being real, her outstretched hand which made him to get closer to her and away from the roof edge… Now he could imagine what she felt seeing him standing there…

"Oh my God baby, I'm so sorry I scared you off…" - he said crashed voice.

"It's okay, it's okay, really Bobby... I don't mind helping you at all. It was much better for me, to know exactly where you are, and seeing you here by my own eyes, than worrying at home. "– Athena smiled weakly. – "You're okay already, huh? How are you feeling?"

"I don't know yet, head is heavy, like if it would be filled with sand. You shouldn't babysit me anyway…"

"Believe me I'll babysit you as much as I need to make sure you're alright." – Athena gave him her famous dead glare, which Michael and her kids prefer better to not deal with.

Bobby knew he's better not argue with Athena at this point. But he loved her and didn't want her to see him weak and messy. The same reason why he never told Marcy how bad his back pain actually was.

Athena seemed to guess his thoughts. "Promise me you will always tell me what's going on with you, I _must_ know. Don't hide from me if you feel bad. I _need_ to know."

Suddenly Bobby felt anger. "You don't _need_ to know that. I'm not a child and I can care about myself, did it for years before we met. Please, Athena, please, go home and have some good sleep, you're exhausted."

"And you pissed at me? I hear you pissed at me… Hey, sorry if I sound like mothering you, but I'm just worrying. I care about you. Is that bad?"

Bobby closed his eyes. He supposes to be a rock for that woman. He supposes to protect her and be her support, not vice versa. "No, it is not bad and I appreciate your concern. But now as I got back to reality I have to compose myself somehow and it's not easy, and I don't want to hurt you in the process. So please, Athena, go home now, I'm okay, I'm under control, I won't do anything stupid or dangerous, I'm not high, I just need time to put my brains and feelings in order, okay?"

"Are you driving me out?"

"NO! No, I'm not! Athena, please, I just need to be by my own now. I don't mean to be rude, I don't try to get rid of you, I'm very grateful you were here with me all this time, but you've got enough of this shit with me for today, you need to have a rest and I need to accommodate with reality.. I'll have a whole investigation at work and I'll have to meet Chief and I need to just focus, prepare for this…"

Athena stood up without answering, trying to hide her disappointment. She understood his reasons, he was right, but still she wanted to be with him emotionally. It felt important for her to not let him bottle it up, but she failed. He was determined to send her away.

Noticing her facial expression, Bobby grabbed Athena's face by his palms. "Please, don't get upset with me, baby, please... I'm not sending you away, I'm not hiding from you, I just need the time for my own. Please, try to understand." – He kissed her lips.

"Okay", - Athena responded quietly, - "Take your time. Call me if there's something I can help with."

"I will. I love you, Athena. Thank you for being here for me." – He tried to meet her eyes.

Athena didn't raise her eyes on him and didn't say "I love you" back. He knew she does love him though. Otherwise she won't feel hurt now and he hated that he had hurt her anyway, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. He'll make out to her later, he thought.

Athena drove home trying to process inside her feelings towards the situation. She couldn't help, she was worrying about Bobby. He wasn't on the drugs anymore, but he definitely felt bad getting back to reality, where there was no his daughter anymore... His daughter, his son...and maybe his wife too? She wondered does he still miss his wife Marcy. Athena tried to throw those thoughts aside, how stupid is it to be jealous to a dead woman. Bobby is right, she's just tired and that's why silly ideas are catching her. She'll sleep, care about herself and her mind will get to its normal self, she decided.

When she woke up the next morning, she suppressed the immediate wish to call Bobby and check on him. He's an adult man, she reminded herself. He's able to care for himself. He'll show up, when he'll be ready. She occupied her time with collecting kids to school, her house stuff, talked to Hen about all adventure and how she was doing. It was her day off after all, so she has to spend it as useful as possible.

When she heard knock on the door, she almost had no doubts it's Bobby. She knew he'd want to see her at once he solved all issues at work. She knew it, she felt loved, but still she had tiny doubt inside and now she was thrilled that he came as she predicted.

"_Hey, how's the chief?" _

"_Ah, he's in pretty good humor, considering. Tox report came back. It was the brownies. LSD."_

"_Mm. Do they know who?"_

" _It's still under investigation, but they figure it was some sort of prank."_

"_Oh, yeah. Because poisoning firefighters is just funny. Ha. I don't get the punch line."_

"_Well, how about this one? Taylor Kelly's exclusive report on 118 comes out tomorrow night. Firefighters drugged against their will, captain loses sobriety, news at 11:00."_

"_Do not waste a moment's worry on that woman. It doesn't matter what kind of take she's trying to spin. The camera doesn't lie. Anyone who's watching is gonna see what I see: a good man who's been through some tough times, but who's come through the other side someone who, despite everything he's lost, still goes out there and risks everything he has left to help others. They're gonna see a hero."_

"_Hmm. Athena, I'm an addict and an alcoholic who has barely three days under his belt. I don't feel like a hero, I feel like a failure."_

"_But you didn't fall off the wagon, you were pushed."_

"_I know, but I don't feel like a failure 'cause I got high, I feel like a failure because I want to get high again. Felt good. No, it made me feel free. I didn't feel as much of the pain; it felt like it was, far away, like it belonged to somebody else. I felt like if I could just keep floating I wouldn't have to feel it anymore."_

"_Well, when I saw you after that, it looked like you were feeling all of it."_

"_Yeah. The reality always catches up. If it didn't, none of us would ever get sober again."_

"_But you are, right?"_

" _Yes. But it's painful, I go to my meetings, I go to church, I try to stay on track, but when I'm sober, I feel this crushing weight on top of me, and there are times like now when I feel like, I don't know how much longer I can keep carrying it."_

"_Or maybe you should stop trying to carry it alone."_

She hugged him and he hugged her back. Both were thinking.

"Thank you for being ready to help me carrying it", - Bobby said finally. – "But you shouldn't really. I feel bad involving you to this heavy stuff."

"I love you, Bobby, which means your stuff is my stuff. And besides... wouldn't you do the same for me if I'd need it?" – Athena protested.

"Absolutely. But… You have enough on your plate and I can't help, but feel bad adding more to it. You sort of forced to inherit this black cloud together with me."

"It's okay, believe me. There's hardly somebody in our age, who lived all life in a happy bubble. You inherit my kids, Michael and all his stuff together with me, and my parents are major piece of work, you will see. At least, my mother is for sure… Don't think you're the only one with heaviness in this relationship. "

"That's different. Your kids are brilliant and so easy to love. Michael is absolutely adequate too... Parents are come and go... And my horror will never leave me, that's the difference. "

Athena was hesitant, but she decided to ask the question which bothered her and which she tried to suppress and to put out of her conscious for a long time already. It was now or never moment.

"Is it at least a bit easier for you when you are with me? I mean, I don't say I can replace Marcy or my kids can replace your kids in your heart, but I thought maybe it can make your anguish a little bit less?"

"It's not about replacing, Athena, it's different…"

"In what sense it's different? In the sense that you will never love me nearly as much as you loved Marcy? – Athena bursted and immediately regretted that she didn't cut off herself in time. Now she voiced it. _Damn_! - Sorry! Sorry, I shouldn't say that…"

Bobby stared at her astonished and suddenly speechless. He never thought Athena could compare his feelings, because he never did it himself. Maybe he just avoided these uncomfortable thoughts. But here he has to face it and deal with them right now.

"I.. I never compared you and Marcy, really.. Never thought about it that way... Why _you_ thinking about this on the first place? Why did you decide to compare?

"Because no matter how hard I try to ease your pain, I seem to fail, Bobby! You still want to die sooner and come to them to Heaven. I'm still not a reason for you to stay in this life, to live it." – confessed Athena. –" I hate to say it, I hate to even _feel_ it, but it's not right… Our relationship are not the right thing to you if you still feel alone, if you still feel hopeless, if you still want to get high or to die. I mean if it would be right thing for you, you'd feel you have a reason to live!" – Athena's eyes were moistened. She WAS jealous and she hated that. She was jealous to dead woman and tried to camouflage it. She wanted Bobby to love her more. She wanted to be a saving heal for him. She wanted to be the one and the only.

Bobby was caught by surprise and tried to process all this new information as fast as he could inside his mind. In fact he never asked himself if he loves Athena more or less than Marcy. He never tried to imagine what he would do if all of a sudden Marcy could get alive again. And now, when he knew that Athena was asking herself all these questions, he tried to figure what answer he should give the best.

"Athena, but Marcy is gone. You're the only closest person I have in life now. If you'd leave me, that's when I'll definitely stay out of reasons to live…"

"But what if she's alive by miracle. You just didn't know and she's alive. And let's imagine she gets back. Whom would you choose?"

"Hell, it's just crazy! It's impossible, Athena, why we are talking about it at all?"

"I just want to know whom you'd choose. Because see I'm sure you wouldn't choose me." – It was pretty hard to get under Athena's skin, she very rarely broke down. This time she couldn't believe it, but she was getting hysterical as fast as an earthquake in LA. Tears were pouring down from her eyes as waterfalls and she couldn't hold them. She sat on the floor in the corner of the room, embraced her knees and put her head on them.

Bobby stood frozen, numb and lost, but after couple of minutes he decided that he should think as a rescuer, not as a lousy boyfriend, whose girl is suddenly crying out of nowhere. When he started to think as a rescuer, the idea of what he has to do came to him naturally – he should hug and hold her no matter what she's saying, until she comes to her senses again. With this idea in mind he crossed the room, sat himself on the floor beside Athena and embraced her.

"Baby, I don't know what answer is right and logical; I only can tell you how I feel. I don't think of Marcy as a woman these days. But I do feel guilty for her death every day. That thing will never be gone from me, because I _am _responsible for her death. I can't change it and I will always feel guilty. That's the fact that you should accept or not accept. When I think about a woman I want to be with _now_ – it is you. The _one_ and the _only_. I never compare you both and never analyze or weigh my feelings to Marcy back then and my feelings to you now… It's wrong in terms of her memory... And you both are so different. And I am so different with both of you. It just an impossibly wrong question which has no fair answer. And dear God, please, save me from such kind of choice."

His left hand was stroking Athena's back, while right one was hugging her front side. He felt that she calmed down bit by bit, still buried her head into her knees, but stopped crying. He didn't want to make "such kind of choice", she thought, which means he wants to stay with her and not thinking of any other options. Okay, enough for her. She tried to put herself into his shoes. If she had lost a husband she loved, would she be able to compare and choose.

"Do you love me?" – Athena raised her head and turned her face to him.

"Of course I do, baby. I love you so much and you know that." – answered Bobby gently.

"Am I a reason for you to live?" – she continued.

"Yes, you and your kids... Our kids... You are my reasons to live." – Bobby confirmed.

"Do you still think that you can't carry this weight anymore?" – There they got back to initial question.

Bobby sighed. She was right. He had reasons to live. He had reasons to go on further with all of his baggage.

"Yes, with your support I can do it, baby. But I can't guarantee that I'm able to forget it all and to not think of it..."

"Nobody asks you to forget. All I want is for you to live and go on, and if you don't have other reasons, do it for my sake."- said Athena quietly.

"I will. You're real, I'm real. We can be real together." – Bobby repeated her words.

~The END


End file.
